I am three into my undergrad at college and have to experience a long bout of homesickness….until this year at least. Or rather more like this semester. Neither my house at school with my wonderful housemates, nor the house that I spent 7 years in with my parents before coming to college feels like home anymore though. It’s not that I long to be home with my parents or that I particularly dislike anything about my school, I think it’s more of a longing for the stability that lies with my memories of being home with my parents. Whatever we went through or wherever we went, whether good or bad, we did it together. We cried, laughed, fought, and forgave together. Maybe it’s the proteins I don’t know for my Cell Bio midterm this week or the bony features and muscles I have to master for the anatomy lab practical coming that are causing high levels of anxiety, but lately I find myself more and more sentimental and longing for the stability I felt in my last two years of college. Or maybe it’s the uncertainty and fear of the looming GRE exam and still a thousand patient care hours to get before applying to graduate school that’s getting to me.
Anyways, I’m a person who craves stability, and currently my life doesn’t have that. I don’t know where I’m working this summer. I don’t know where I want to go to graduate school. I don’t know if I should to graduate school. I don’t know what I’m doing in my future. I don’t know where I want to live after college. I don’t know when I’ll be able to have long extended times to hang out with my sister and family anymore since we’re basically have a country away from each other. And last, but certainly not least, who knows if I’ll ever be in a long term relationship that leads to marriage. These are the thoughts that go through my head on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I think that the sheer multitude of these thoughts that have been present in my mind this semester is what’s been making me homesick.
Maybe I shouldn’t even call it homesickness.
Maybe a better word for it would be adulthoodfearness.
Yep, I went there. Making up English is a favorite pastime of mine. (Along with my Franglais skills).
No one just tells you what to do when you’re an adult anymore. When your friend is applying for jobs after graduation already and she’s only a junior too because that’s apparently what her professors said that accounting companies were looking for nowadays, no one’s going to tell you what you should do after graduation. Friends are applying for positions at top companies and I’m just like, I would like a job that pays money – although I wish being paid in m&m’s was acceptable – so I can pay rent. And so I can buy food. Because food is good.
Okay, well, complaining is great and all, but how do we solve the problem presented? How do I stop the anxiety and the worry from piling up like this? I could very easily tell you the Christiany answers that have been drilled into my head since I was little such as the following:
Matthew 6:31-34 “Do not be anxious then, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘With what shall we clothe ourselves?’ “For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Or this one.
Matthew 6:27 “And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life’s span?
Don’t get me wrong, I love these verses and think that they can be very helpful, and often I find comfort in the many verses I read a day, but I don’t want to answer my question this way because sometimes these verses just stress me out more. I know what you’re supposed to do in order to become less anxious; to submit all you’re anxieties to God in prayer and he will care for them, but knowing that I still struggle with this bothers me still even though I know that I’m human and I’m flawed. Even if I strive for perfection in everything.
So how do I cope with the feelings of homesickness/adulthoodfearness and make them disappear for a while? Chocolate helps. Calls for the family help. Friends help. Not locking myself in my room all day because I think that no one likes me and wants to hang out with me helps. But actually this wall of photos I recently put up in my room really helps a lot. A compilation of a multitude of people who have helped me get where I am today.
This collection of photos has friends from both high school and college in it and I think it has really helped me calm anxiety about future friendships and relationships because I have seen how many great people I have met in this stage of life and have become confident that even in the scary world of post college graduation that I will meet so many more people who might one day end up in this wonderful collection of people.