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Life from Grace

Let's walk together for a while down this long road.

Rainy Days

The rain drip drops

down the window pane.

The wind batters the trees

once again.


A good day to stay inside

and in my cozy bed abide.


Not every storm

brings a rainbow,

but in the end

new life shall grow.

Though I Lack Words

Though I Lack Words

I write

for the words which cannot be said;

I sing

for the joy that knows no bounds;

I dance

though the music makes no sound.

A Lesson in Tragedy – The story of my first love.

The title of this post is deceiving. Those who know me well know that I am a theater geek at heart, especially for musical theater. The first show to steal my heart was The Phantom of the Opera, and I still feel every emotion in the raw when I re-watch it as if it were only the first time. Although I have read Gaston Leroux’s Le Fantome de L’Opera and have seen the old black and white movie, I shall make the majority of my remarks referring to the stage adaption by Webber since it is what I am most familiar with. As a side note, I am also listening to the soundtrack while writing this post. ūüôā

The classic lair scene during the title theme.

In it’s essence, the story of the Phantom of the Opera is one of love, fear, hatred, passion, and sorrow. It also offers a theme of sacrifice, mercy, and redemption.

The definition of tragedy is “a play in which the protagonist, usually a man of importance and outstanding personal qualities, falls to disaster through the combination of a personal failing and circumstances with which he cannot deal”. While some would beg to differ with me, I would strive to make the argument that POTO falls into the category of a classic literary tragedy. In every tragedy there must be a tragic hero, and Erik – who is better known as the Phantom himself – provides us with this role. Or is he perhaps a tragic villain? Is it possible for him to be both? Does this story even have a hero? I have often pondered this question, and maybe this is one aspect that draws me to this show, the conflicting personality of Erik in which we both love and hate him. A classic Greek tragedy also leaves the audience with some heavy moral lesson at the end of the story which I will also later define. I believe that the combination of these things is why this show continues to captivate audiences as one of the longest running shows on Broadway.

1) The Tragic Hero
The Phantom is described by others a genius in music and engineering, and as with many, his genius can also be construed as madness. We bear witness to his musical genius through both Christine and his own Opera that we later hear – Don Juan Triumphant. He trains Christine’s voice to impeccable beauty, and lets face it, the Music of the Night just makes you melt. But his genius also leads to madness. He becomes so obsessed with his own creation that he alone must have it. His obsession is his downfall. Like any tragic hero, the Phantom goes through a journey which changes him. He starts off as the mysterious killer and ends as the unrequited lover. The final part of the story of a tragic hero is that his own actions lead to his destruction. He fought for love his entire life, and in the end, loses it because the girl he loves fall in love with another man. He could do nothing to keep Christine from loving Raoul. He presumably comes to his end with one final act of selfishness. He looks beyond himself, and out of love for Christine and longing for her own happiness, frees her to run away with Raoul, leaving him alone where he decides for a final act to leave his old self behind as he flees from the pursuit of those in the Opera house.

2) The Tragic Villain
The Phantom at his villainy.
We all love a good villain, and our Opera Ghost certainly fulfills this role in many aspects. We witness him commit senseless murders and destruction of property all for his own little game. Christine sings that “He kills without a thought, he murders all that’s good…what horrors wait for me, in this the Phantom’s opera?”. He thrives on fear. Everyone in the plot is fearful against him except Christine. She is conflicted from her past image of him as her Angel of music, her slight attraction to him, and her now understanding of him as a murderer. Everyone else in the story spreads the horror stories of him and his magic lasso without the compassion that Christine exhibits. Finally, he manipulates for his own good and has no qualms about it, painting himself in innocent light to Christine as her Angel while all the while orchestrating a plot to keep her as his own forever. He overtly attempts to seduce her, just listen to all the lyrics from The Music of the Night, and it almost works until his charm wears off. When his attempts to win Christine over fail, he simply forces her to choose to either willingly love and be with him or send Raoul to his grave.

3) The Humanity
Aside from everything else in the story, the Phantom of the Opera is a story of a man who is lost, lonely, and longs for love, and in a sense we can all relate to his story. His loneliness reaches down to the depths of our being and forces us to come to terms with our own loneliness. We begin to understand how he ended up in his current life, abandoned by everyone around him, rejected by his own mother, for something he could do nothing about. We experience his sorrow as he watches the woman he loves profess her love to another man and witness his love for her overcome his bitterness as he lets her go in the end. Christine at one point prays saying “God give me courage to show you, you are not alone”, and like Christine, we long to comfort him with our own words, but come to the realization that he must learn to love himself first before he accept the love of others. We wish we could change his past, that his own mother would not have rejected him for his disfiguration, and that society would learn to see beyond appearance, but the sad reality is that we cannot change his past. The story addresses the need we all have to be loved and accepted for who we are. We all put on our own masquerade, hiding our faces so the world can never see the things we are ashamed of in ourselves.

In the end, we (well at least I) end up falling in a sort of forbidden love with the Opera Ghost while also feeling guilty loving a murderer. Christine ends up understanding (somewhat) the reason for the Phantom’s hideous acts, and feels pity for him, yet she can not completely offer him forgiveness and absolve him from what he has done, and we are left with an ending in which the Erik chooses to leave his old life behind in perhaps one last desperate plea to free himself from those who pursue him and seek redemption for his life and acts.

We are left with an ending with which we can never be happy, and this is what makes it a tragedy. We want Christine to be happy, so we want her to be with Raoul, but we want Erik to have one good moment in his life, so we want Christine to be with him. The ending was doomed to tragedy from the beginning though because the dark, passionate, love offered by Erik was never going to keep Christine’s love when she has her “prince charming” Raoul to offer her her dreams and rescue her from darkness. The Phantom is resolved to forever pining for the love he can never have.

If there is one lesson to sum up the things that POTO teaches us, it’s that we all long to be loved for who we are and not for who we used to be. That human connection, my friends, is why I think this show will last.
The rose that always makes me cry.

Sweet Summer Songs

How sweet were the melodies that played for me
beneath the stars on nights carefree.
Play on, play on, your melodies pen,
for if you stop, my summer shall end.

At the End of the Day – A Haiku

Image

The beauty in end

is it’s just for a moment.

Old ends, new begins.

The Unexpected Savior

When Jesus came to earth, he did not come remarkably with loud procession and exclamation, he came quietly, born of a not particularly special woman, in a smelly stable, in a crowded town.  When he grew up he did not overthrow the invading Roman empire and give the Jews back their homeland, he preached of loving ones enemies and dying to oneself to live again.  When he was about 33 years old he died a sinners death, alone, on a cross, while even his closest of friends betrayed him.

All expectations the people of the time had for their promised and coming Savior were broken the moment God chose an ordinary man and women to do the extraordinary.  Jesus broke bread with sinners, he performed miracles on the Sabbath day, he associated with the unclean, and in doing so made enemies of the very people who should have recognized who he was, the Pharisees.

The Pharisees were masters of the Old Testament law, the Mosaic law, and were charged with teaching the people and with aiding people in the atoning of their sins, but they could not even recognize the multitude of prophecies that Jesus fulfilled upon his life, death and resurrection.  The Jewish people were expecting someone who would defeat the Romans for them, but instead he died at the hands of the Romans.

My point in all of this is that God works in unexpected ways. ¬†Even in the Old Testament times God acted in unexpected ways as well, choosing a Hebrew raised in the household of the Pharaoh of Egypt to free the Hebrews from their bondage, among other examples. ¬†If God has continually worked in unexpected ways to reveal His majesty, His justice, and His grace, why should I expect Him to act any differently in my life? ¬†God’s word says that He is able to immeasurably more than anything we can imagine, but do we really expect Him to do big things in our lives, or is that just the God in the Bible who is able to do these things? ¬†Well I’ve got BIG news for you people, the God of the Bible is still God today, and He WANTS to and is GOING to do big things in YOUR life.

I’m saying these things because I feel like I always try to limit God to only doing things that I want, in the way I want it, and when I want it. ¬†In other words I want God to work the way I expect. ¬†But obviously that is not how God works. ¬†God is not limited by the plans that I can fathom and the ideas that I create, in fact, I often think that he rejoices in taking my plans and blowing them out of the water, and that’s a GOOD thing! ¬†He rejoices in doing this because he says my beloved daughter, you may think this is good and will bring happiness, but I have something BETTER for you in mind.

The past three weeks have put me at the end of my rope. ¬†I felt hopeless and defeated by this world. ¬†I had no desire to read the hope of God’s word and no desire to try and be encouraged through others, I just wanted to live in my own perpetual pity party. ¬†But thankfully that was not God’s plan for me. ¬†You see, I was so discouraged because God was not giving me what I wanted and not acting the way that I expected. ¬†I met with a good friend last week who was also struggling with some issues and we whined together, but then she convinced us to turn to God’s word to find hope, and by the end of our time together, I felt a little more encouraged. ¬†Encouraged enough for us to pray together. ¬†I’ve been thinking about the whole Unexpected Savior topic for a while so I decided to pray for God to work in both of lives in an unexpected way.

This past weekend God showed up in unexpected ways in both of our lives to the extent that it was impossible for me not to fall on my knees and give HIM all the glory. ¬†There is no way that what has happened in my life recently was of my own doing and I think that’s why God chooses to work in unexpected ways. ¬†God wants AND DESERVES ALL the glory in my life, yet it is so easy to brush him off and push him aside for later when he works in the expected ways; the ways I want and when I want it.

So at the end of this all I want to ask each one of you who reads this one simple question.  Are you expected God to work in unexpected ways in your life, or are you falling into the trap of placing Gods work under human standards?  God seeks to show you His power and His love, just not always in the way that you expect it!

If we all prayed for God to work in unexpected ways in this world and actually believed that God would follow through on our prayers, imagine what would be possible!

Also, this song came to my mind while writing this post, so take a listen, it’s a favorite of mine!¬†https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uyv1jUDLY3s

.

A (delayed) Easter Poem

The Voice of Truth

Your words speak truth,

truth that teaches love,

love that cries mercy,

mercy which covers my sins,

sins which no longer hold me.

Hold me in yours hands,

hands that calm the storms,

storms which stop at your words.

Your words speak truth. 

Temporary Home

¬† ¬† ¬†I am three into my undergrad at college and have to experience a long bout of homesickness….until this year at least. ¬†Or rather more like this semester. ¬†Neither my house at school with my wonderful housemates, nor the house that I spent 7 years in with my parents before coming to college feels like home anymore though. ¬†It’s not that I long to be home with my parents or that I particularly dislike anything about my school, I think it’s more of a longing for the stability that lies with my memories of being home with my parents. ¬†Whatever we went through or wherever we went, whether good or bad, we did it together. ¬†We cried, laughed, fought, and forgave together. ¬†Maybe it’s the proteins I don’t know for my Cell Bio midterm this week or the bony features and muscles I have to master for the anatomy lab practical coming that are causing high levels of anxiety, but lately I find myself more and more sentimental and longing for the stability I felt in my last two years of college. ¬†Or maybe it’s the uncertainty and fear of the looming GRE exam and still a thousand patient care hours to get before applying to graduate school that’s getting to me. ¬†

Anyways, I’m a person who craves stability, and currently my life doesn’t have that. ¬†I don’t know where I’m working this summer. ¬†I don’t know where I want to go to graduate school. ¬†I don’t know¬†if¬†I should to graduate school. ¬†I don’t know what I’m doing in my future. I don’t know where I want to live after college. I don’t know when I’ll be able to have long extended times to hang out with my sister and family anymore since we’re basically have a country away from each other. And last, but certainly not least, who knows if I’ll ever be in a long term relationship that leads to marriage. ¬†These are the thoughts that go through my head on a daily, sometimes¬†hourly basis. ¬†I think that the sheer multitude of these thoughts that have been present in my mind this semester is what’s been making me homesick. ¬†

Maybe I shouldn’t even call it homesickness. ¬†

Maybe a better word for it would be adulthoodfearness.  

Yep, I went there.  Making up English is a favorite pastime of mine. (Along with my Franglais skills).

 

No one just tells you what to do when you’re an adult anymore. ¬†When your friend is applying for jobs after graduation already and she’s only a junior too because that’s apparently what her professors said that accounting companies were looking for nowadays, no one’s going to tell you what you should do after graduation. ¬†Friends are applying for positions at top companies and I’m just like, I would like a job that pays money – although I wish being paid in m&m’s was acceptable – so I can pay rent. And so I can buy food. Because food is good.

Okay, well, complaining is great and all, but how do we solve the problem presented?  How do I stop the anxiety and the worry from piling up like this?  I could very easily tell you the Christiany answers that have been drilled into my head since I was little such as the following:

Matthew 6:31-34¬†“Do not be anxious then, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘With what shall we clothe ourselves?’ “For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Or this one. 

Matthew 6:27¬†“And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life’s span?

Don’t get me wrong, I love these verses and think that they can be very helpful, and often I find comfort in the many verses I read a day, but I don’t want to answer my question this way because sometimes these verses just stress me out more. ¬†I know what you’re¬†supposed to do in order to become less anxious; to submit all ¬†you’re anxieties to God in prayer and he will care for them, but knowing that I still struggle with this bothers me still even though I know that I’m human and I’m flawed. ¬†Even if I strive for perfection in everything. ¬†

      So how do I cope with the feelings of homesickness/adulthoodfearness and make them disappear for a while?  Chocolate helps. Calls for the family help.  Friends help.  Not locking myself in my room all day because I think that no one likes me and wants to hang out with me helps.  But actually this wall of photos I recently put up in my room really helps a lot.  A compilation of a multitude of people who have helped me get where I am today.    Image 

This collection of photos has friends from both high school and college in it and I think it has really helped me calm anxiety about future friendships and relationships because I have seen how many great people I have met in this stage of life and have become confident that even in the scary world of post college graduation that I will meet so many more people who might one day end up in this wonderful collection of people.  

Also, knowing that I get to see my adorable dog Wolfy Рshort for Wolfgang Рin a month for spring break helps too. Image

Unrealistic Expectations?

So I’m sitting here, watching Cinderella on TV and I remember multiple times when people have told me how Disney movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, and others have given women today unrealistic expectations for the male species. ¬†Well I for one, hope that they haven’t. ¬†While I don’t live in the fantasy that one day I will fall in love with a Prince who will rescue me from danger, sweep me off my feet, and take me to live happily ever after by his side in his castle, I do live with the expectations that they guy I fall in love with will possess the other qualities presented in these films. ¬†

Cinderella taught me that love needs to be sought after. ¬†The Prince didn’t allow anyone to define for him who he could and could not fall in love with, and when he did fall in love, he fought for her. ¬†I hold hope that the man I fall in love with fight to stay with me no matter what may fight to keep us apart – whether that be an evil step-mother intent on marrying one of her other daughters away or other things in this world that fight to keep our attention away from each other. ¬†I hope that the one I fall in love with will love me like the Prince loved Cinderella. ¬†I hope that he loves me for who I am, not where I come from. ¬†I hope that he’ll look past my crazy family and see that past circumstances don’t define who I am and who I can be. ¬†No one grows up with a perfect family, and maybe my future Prince will see that like Cinderella my past has taught me patience and how to forgive those that hurt you. ¬†

Beauty and the Beast taught me that there is no one perfect method for falling in love, that relationships are not easy, and that there will be trials. ¬†Although this story taught how appearances aren’t the most important things in a relationship, this story also showed me how love is a gradual process. ¬†This was not love at first sight by any means and that doesn’t happen for a lot of people, so I don’t that expectation that I’m going to fall in love at first sight. ¬†Rather I expect falling in love to be a gradual process starting with friendship. ¬†Belle and the Beast didn’t have a perfect relationship either, they fought, but Belle believed in forgiveness and second chances, and so do I.

Finally, Snow White taught me how my Prince should be someone who shouldn’t be afraid to take initiative and confess his love for me first. ¬†While Snow White was singing away at her well wishing for her true love, along came her Prince confessing his love for her. ¬†While I don’t want someone to come up to me and state how much they love me without ever going out on a date, I would like for a guy to take initiative and ask me out first. ¬†Call me old fashioned, but I’m just not the type of girl to take the first move so I need someone with initiative and Snow Whites prince was that guy.

So while I don’t expect to fall in love with a prince, I do hope to fall in love with someone who will take initiative, fight for me, and learn to fall in love with me in a gradual process where we both make compromises for each other. ¬†

So thank you Disney for the multiple lessons your films have taught me!            

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